Why I have started this blog

I am 22 and 1/2 years young and 58 days away from graduating college. I work as an intern at a great company in my hometown that has offered me a full time position right after graduation. I care deeply for my friends and family and am a very involved Aunt. I enjoy making crafts, going to concerts, watching documentaries on Netflix, organizing my Pinterest boards, and spoiling my little nephew with ice cream and presents. The number one thing that makes me happy is making other people happy. Knowing all of this, no one would suspect that I turn into a horrendous person when I drink alcohol.

On October 2013 I moved into my own apartment, and for the first time had a new found sense of independence. I had turned 21 in August and had begun going out to bars a few times a week.

I loved having small parties and having friends over all of the time to drink. For the first time, I could drink however much I wanted and not worry about my parents or worry about having to drive anywhere.

I believe at this point, my tolerance to alcohol started to rapidly develop.

The first time that I had an “incident”(as I will refer to it) was in January of 2013 after drinking probably 8 Bud Light Platinums as well as taking shots, I felt an uncontrollable anger within me. For absolutely no reason… I was furious. So who did I take it out on? The person that I love the most, my (now ex) boyfriend.

I didn’t chose to feel like that and nothing had to provoked me to feel that way. I also didn’t choose to take it out on him. It was all happening as if something else was controlling me.

As with every “incident”, I blacked out, only slightly remembering yelling and attempting to be physical and violent.

Why would I do such a thing to the person that I thought was the one for me?

For the longest time, I thought that this was just a weird accident. I kept thinking I could figure it out and control it. I did things such as not mixing alcohols, then not drinking liquor, then not going out to the bars. Every time,  I thought that I had fixed it and figured it out.

The “incidents” were spaced out just enough that it always seemed to be a surprise to me when it happened.

These incidents happened about every two months and would start once I got “home” for the night.

Come September 2013, I began to realize that I was drinking every day… I wasn’t getting drunk every day, but I was drinking every single day. As the fall progressed, I was slowly realizing that I couldn’t just drink a forty and I couldn’t just drink a 6 pack. I always craved more. I would stay up until 2 a.m. drinking when I had homework to do and had to be at school or work at 9 a.m. because I craved more alcohol.

Since my “incidents” happened about once every two months, I didn’t think that the way I drank was a problem.

On February 13, 2014 I celebrated Valentines Day with my boyfriend of a year and a half
(not including the 6 months we had been together before making it official). It was fabulous. We made a big dinner together and cuddled up all evening watching movies and talking. He got me a diamond candle, a card, candies and two CDs (I loved that he always gave CDs as gifts because he is so into music). I was madly in love with him.

But on the night of February 15th, 2014 I had another “incident”. Like always, I was blacked out, so I don’t remember 96% of what happened.

When I woke up in the morning and saw the disastrous state of his room, I knew that I had done it again.

That morning he told me he couldn’t do it anymore and broke up with me.

I can’t describe the feeling of having such a wonderful relationship (other than when I would have my incidents, which I could never remember), and couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend, so to be done with our relationship felt out of the blue to me.

He had sent me texts just days before saying “I love you baby Mollz.”& “I want you baby why don’t you stay with me tonight.” I was in shock and couldn’t believe that this had happened. All I could think about was how happy we were a mere 48 hours before and how my actions had completely altered our relationship.

After watching all of that happiness disappear in the blink of an eye, I realized just how  big of a wake up call this was for me, a sign that I HAD to change.

As I look back, I feel like I should have realized earlier that this was something I couldn’t control, but I always thought that I had figured it out and my boyfriend always trusted me when I said I wouldn’t do it again.

However after the breakup I learned that I didn’t ever have it figured out and that I was never in control.

It is now time for me to stop making excuses and start making changes.

“The consequences of the choices you make can change your life in the blink of an eye, be sure of what you do before you do it, sometimes it can’t be undone.”

This will be my record of my journey in making my life better by choice… not by chance. 

About mollsunflower

I woke up one day and decided that I didn't want to feel this way anymore. Or ever again. This is my blog about my positive life change. View all posts by mollsunflower

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